So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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