Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
