come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
