i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
