I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
