put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
