Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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