Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
