On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
