Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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