he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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