her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
