broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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