i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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