What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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