She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
