You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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