So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Ladies don't puke and tell
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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