he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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