Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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