Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
