We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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