dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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