Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
