why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
