Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
