When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
