brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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