Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
