FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
