Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
