i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
