It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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