I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
