glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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