hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
