i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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