I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this will be a night to untag.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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