I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
