I think my vagina is haunted
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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