I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
