Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
