I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
