hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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