i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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