woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I did not marry a roomba.
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