I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
