I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
