Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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