I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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