tell your sister to shave her snatch
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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